"The price of human life in Russia tends to zero to the universal 'Hurrah'". 

Photo: Pixabay

Р. - 43, before the events of February 24, she lived in St. Petersburg and worked as a concert master at the opera theater, where it is forbidden to have an alternative opinion about what is happening. After the start of the war, R. did not wait for a denunciation from some of her colleagues, bought tickets and moved to Baku with her child. She lives in colivings with other Russian relocates, has almost no contact with people from her past life, and feels orphaned by an entire country.

- I worked in an opera house in St. Petersburg. The head of the theater was a person close to the emperor. So it was impossible to have an alternative opinion about what was going on with us. Almost immediately the questions began: "Are you against the special operation? Are you not for Putin? Then how do you work in our theater? I decided not to wait for the denunciations. I left for Baku with the child. We chose the city by chance-the one where we could still buy tickets on March 4.

I got my bearings in the situation pretty quickly and understood where things were going. But I did not expect it to happen so quickly. The Fifth Column, enemies of the people and other rhetoric... It was very painful and embarrassing to listen to the speeches of our top officials. In the first days I was very eager to go home, I still dream about my favorite job. But I have decided that I will only come back when Novaya Gazeta opens again in Moscow. I chose that as my starting point.

St. Petersburg. Photo: Pixabay

In Baku, I live in a colibing in the Russian community, which was founded by relocants like me. It's somehow easier to go through all this together. We've already established a life, delivery of fresh products from the neighborhoods, we go to the beach and excursions together, we take turns babysitting.

I got a residence permit, which is very difficult to do in Azerbaijan. Now I will try to make a working Schengen to Switzerland for a contract. Despite all the talk about Russophobia in Europe, Europeans help me personally for free. They even offered me to become a refugee, but it is too much - now many people need it more. I will survive here somehow.

After February 24, everything collapsed for me. I never intended to leave Russia. I had participated in many charitable projects, done community work in the ICD Council, recycled trash, and did other, as it now seems, unnecessary crap. The volunteer movement in Russia was inspiring, and then this. And people of culture who started zig-zagging, and relatives. I don't talk to many people from my past life, I'm afraid the person will start telling me "where the attack was prepared from." There are a lot of people like that in my former environment.

You feel like you are orphaned for an entire country. It is very difficult to identify yourself, and you are constantly turning around information in your head in the hope of clinging to something. I envy those who quickly get off the anchor and rush into a new life. I'm 43 years old, I have flashbacks all the time.
Baku. Photo: Pixabay

I see nothing good for Russia in the foreseeable future. I am terrified of what they are going to teach the children. I dread to think what will start inside the country when the war is over. I don't believe that the people who support the war will understand anything, the impact will be too great. But military setbacks, unemployment, and the internal feeling that you've been screwed over will turn all the aggression inward. Hate, hate, hate. The price of human life in Russia tends to zero to the universal "Hurrah". I too would like to be in this stream - I curse the day when some things began to reach my consciousness. It's easier to be shortsighted.

As someone wrote to me here in response to a repost of the news about Roizman's arrest: "Don't you think that those at the top know better who should be arrested? I won't even bother to tell you about the other heresies that my friends and colleagues have written to me in my personal accounts. As Shenderovich wrote: "I could not even imagine such an amount of evil and stupidity. I, too, can not realize and accept it. 

Most people pretend that nothing is going on at all, that it doesn't concern them, that people like me are idiots who are loaded with nonsense.

"Stick your tongue up your ass and go to your favorite job. In a few days it will all be over," they told me at the beginning of the war. And how to communicate with them? I don't know about them, but for me that crack gets bigger and bigger every day of the war.

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