"We have no such ideology - to live in freedom."

Lila is 47 years old, originally from Krasnoyarsk, but now lives in northern Sweden. She often came to Russia to visit her sick parents. Now they are dead, the last time Lilja was in Russia was September 30. Lilja is a psychologist. She believes that many Russians are afflicted with a disorder in which people do not take responsibility for their lives but blame others. What Liliya cannot understand is how did acquaintances from a Protestant church, a friend from Israel, and relatives in the West end up among the supporters of the war and Putin? In her story, she describes how fear and inner slavery turn a person into a monster:

- It was hard for me in Russia. Most people around me, with the exception of a few church friends (I am a Protestant) either supported the war implicitly, like, "it's their fault, they rape, kill, fascist, bomb," or they were silent, or "everything is ambiguous.

I had strange feelings all the time. I was walking through our city, and it seemed to me that everything around was destroyed, and people didn't see it. And people were like they were on drugs, the atmosphere was so gloomy, there was a lot of fear. I thought it was just me. But here, in a small Swedish town, I'm a stranger. Everything is calm, people are protected, friendly, no tension is felt.

I've been thinking and thinking a lot about the war, listening a lot. I think the Russians benefit from this situation, this massacre.

In psychology there is such a concept as the "paranoid position," when a person does not take responsibility for his life, but constantly blames others. We all do that, more or less. The Germans had the Jews, the Gypsies and the Bolsheviks, the Bolsheviks had the "enemies of the people" and the immense gulag. This is how they realized their destructiveness. Now they kill Ukrainians or themselves and their relatives by sending them to slaughter.

Our people have been deprived of freedom, independence, brainwashed. But "brainwashed" is suitable for old people without YouTube. How do you brainwash the young? Look, think, YouTube is not closed, turn on a VPN, read, I do not want. Yes, and my friends and relatives are in the West. What do they want? They haven't been living in poor "russia" for a long time.

Inner slavery, powerlessness, inability to live a decent, free life found its way out. People are ready to live poorer and poorer, to remain silent or to support all this madness. I, too, by the way, am a coward, and I don't want to protest [in Russia] and then sit around.

We have no such ideology - to live in freedom, to enjoy life, to vote for someone who is doing something useful. We have to live in misery, to fight for a felonious place, to collect on uniforms, so that what? To be killed in appropriate clothing? All in all, I had a feeling of senselessness and madness in Russia, of collective induction-infection with bastardism. Sometimes I think of going back, but among such people I also lose my human face, unfortunately. The idea of society should be healthy, but here we have a sick, rapacious, invasive one. Only a few can resist this and remain human. The bravest, I think. Some run. Some are silent.

I had girlfriends before the war. I somehow managed with one, bypassing the subject of the annexation of Crimea. And for nothing. The other lived in Israel. The first one was very interesting, an English teacher, a hardened communist. I just stopped contacting her, that's all. The second one in Israel is a supporter of Putler, who gets all pensions and benefits from the wonderful state. There is also a cousin, also supports the war. Also with benefits from the state. And finally, there is a native sister and niece in her hometown. Prosecutors. No questions asked.

Sometimes it's very sad and lonely, you want to communicate with those you've lost. But nothing comes of it. The conversation ends at the third minute with yelling and arguments. One nerve-racking, in general. It is better to be alone and find unfamiliar people who are against the war and all this madness, than in the company of good friends, relatives, parishioners of a Protestant church, where I went. 

If I don't argue with them and keep silent, I feel disgusted, I feel abnormal. I am a psychologist, and I had the same feeling when I talked to a man who raped a child. Said, "he seduced me himself" and other things. I feel the desire to leave and not to get dirty with all this scum, which deliberately chooses the position - to destroy.