"My problem is that I can't keep quiet."

Olga (name changed) is 32 years old. She lives in the Far East, works as a production chemist. At work she is in the minority - most of her colleagues are "Za war". But Olga is not silent. She is not inactive either, from time to time she post anti-war stickers all over the city in a partisan way. Olga wrote about her feelings to the editorial office of "Eyewitnesses". We publish her letter with minor editorial corrections.

- When the war broke out, the vast majority of my colleagues were in favor of the whole thing. I, on the other hand, was initially against it. There was only one person who was like-minded. A friend of mine. We worked with him for over six years. But he had to resign when the mobilization began. So now I'm alone. 

My colleagues know my position. To them I am something like an unhappy creature with broth instead of brain. "How brainwashed you are!" - they say to me. They love to talk about it. Everywhere you look, everyone knows about geopolitics, strategy, and everything else. 

My problem is that I can't keep quiet. They start discussing Ukraine, "Nazis," NATO, the United States, I just can't hold back. Yes, I have become a very "toxic" person. Because, for example, I doubted whether that's where they were looking for Nazis, after one of my colleagues said that "it's high time the Americans were all poisoned, because they are poisoning our Chinese friends again, crossing the Wuhan virus and another one in their bio-laboratories..."

Photo from the personal archive of the author of the letter

It makes me sick how happy they are about everything that is happening in Ukraine right now, because "we should have bombed everything there a long time ago. I don't know how I can cope with it. I perceive it all very sharply.

I am shocked at the bloodthirstiness of people I knew, with whom I had a good relationship. 

I love my job very much. I don't want to leave. But to be here is absolutely impossible. I don't have a chance to go out for lunch. I have to have lunch with them and listen to all this. Lately I come in later for lunch and leave earlier, I'd rather work that time. I give myself an average of 15 minutes for a meal. I reduce my chances of witnessing another conversation about the "terrible Americans" and the "puppet Ukrainian government. 

Photo from the personal archive of the author of the letter

I often wish something would happen. I work in a chemical laboratory, I wish a gas tank would explode, for example. I am too cowardly and cowardly to do anything to myself. But if something like that happened... I think I'd be glad.

I put up flyers in my town, wrote anti-war slogans on money bills, wrote on social media, but so what? I didn't do anything. I didn't change anything.

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